how it’s going after a full week without caffeine

because apparently I hate myself

First of all, days 1-4 were brutal. I had a splitting headache pretty much nonstop (and not just in the mornings) and basically felt like half-a person. It was notably difficult to get any work done, as I just wanted to stay in bed all day.

My immediate observation was, “damn, if the withdrawal is this intense, then caffeine really is a drug.” This isn’t a new insight for me—I’ve had swings of no-caffeine in the past where I came to similar conclusions about the reality of caffeine’s mind-altering effects.

(Yes, we’re all getting high every day, and cafés are societally sanctioned drug dens. And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, I’m just saying that’s what it is!)

In the recent past, I quit caffeine for just three days. When I had my first coffee after the break, I got high as a kite! I even remember posting an Instagram story where I proclaimed, “Coffee is drugs.”

I came across this quote the other day:

Sufi mystics claimed that coffee, when consumed with proper devotional intent, could lead to the experience of ‘qahwat al-Sufiyya,’ translated as ‘the enjoyment which the people of God feel in beholding the hidden mysteries and attaining the wonderful disclosures and the great revelations.’
— Liam Singer

And I gotta say… accurate! It really is so often during my first cup of morning Joe that I feel the most connected to God, and I’m not kidding in the slightest. Everything will suddenly make sense. I’ll suddenly notice the birds chirping and the sun shining as poetry begins to flow out of me.

In the more distant past, I went quite a long time without caffeine—something like two months or more, though I wasn’t keeping track. I had done a tab of acid that gave me a visceral realization that the present moment was absolutely & always perfect as-is. It suddenly made no sense whatsoever why I would ever alter my state of consciousness.

Whatever motivation I had to drink alcohol, smoke weed, and drink coffee simply fell away without effort nor intention. And this wasn’t just during the acid trip—it lasted for months! I can’t even use the word “quit” here, because these habits simply fell away; there was no reason for them anymore.

Isn’t that fascinating!?

But—things are different now. I haven’t had a psychedelic in my system for years at this point (someone pat me on the back), and I’m back to my usual state of perpetually searching for some way to “improve” the present moment. (Argh! The continual human predicament!)

And this time quitting caffeine isn’t effortless at all. I’m continually and constantly fighting against the urge to have a cup of coffee!

Interestingly, now that the physical withdrawals have subsided, the urges are manifesting as clever arguments in my mind like, “everyone drinks coffee, even spiritual teachers, so why not you?”

And honestly, my mind is so convincing, I don’t know how much longer I’m gonna be able to put up the fight. I’ve already envisioned the moment where I say, “Ah, fuck it. A cup of coffee can’t hurt.”

I haven’t stopped myself from heading to cafés and enjoying a decaf while I write.

This raises a deeper question on the balance between discipline versus just living.

Do I keep pushing through with the no-caffeine experiment, or do I just surrender to my desire to drink it?

Similarly, do I keep enforcing a weekly content schedule, or do I allow myself post whenever I feel like it?

At what point does discipline cross over the line from being beneficial into a toxic form of self-restriction?

As far as I can tell, life seems to be a constant process of experimentation, a never-ending balancing act and oscillation between these two ways of being.

How do you balance discipline and surrender? Reply and let me know—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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What I’m Working On

1. Barging all my social media platforms

In my continued effort to kill perfectionism, I’ve been showing up pretty consistently across multiple social media platforms (including this newsletter). And I gotta say, it feels pretty dang good! Like I reflected in my last post, this high output really only begins to get overwhelming if I let perfectionism win, because that’s when a quick task can end up taking hours. But I’m finding that the more I let go, the more it flows.

Here’s a list of all the platforms I’m currently using in case you want to see what I’ve been sharing.

2. A secret TikTok account

I’m getting my last licks in on TikTok before the looming ban in the US (which I’m literally praying doesn’t happen, especially considering how much money I’ve made on TikTok shop this month 🤑) by posting daily to a secret account where I share spontaneous, half-formed, rambling thoughts with messy hair (and sometimes mid-shower).

Why TikTok, why a secret account, and just… why?

I think TikTok is one of the best places to practice being authentic online. The algorithm zaps content directly to a resonant audience full of strangers in realtime. By starting a fresh account and keeping it a secret, I’m able to practice a new form of expression without any pressure to “live up to” any identity I’ve presented in the past.

An analogy I came up with recently is that starting a new/private account to practice self expression is similar to the freedom you might feel when you move out of your highschool hometown. Without the weight of everyone else’s ideas of who you are based on who you’ve been, there’s more freedom to start over.

I’m already noticing that my efforts on this new TikTok account are beginning to seep into the way I’m showing up on my other accounts.

I strive to cultivate the strength to allow myself to evolve openly & freely in the public eye, but for now, I’m enjoying my new TikTok account, where I get to try something new in front of total strangers.

Is anybody else feeling disappointed at the prospect of a TikTok ban in the US?

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Side note: interestingly, this idea of having a more private space to share more openly is exactly what I’ve always been after on Patreon. By paywalling my expression, I feel more safe to open up, because members have indicated they value what I have to say.

3. Barging new merch

I started selling merch again on my online store! The only reason I paused in the first place was because, in the grips of perfectionism, it felt like too much of an overwhelming project that was distracting from my other endeavors. But now that I’m in this kick of killing perfectionism, I’ve realized, oh wait! I can just do stuff! This inspired me to create a new merch design that has a deep personal resonance.

This design started as a post-it note reminder during my efforts to fight perfectionism. Then it became a wallpaper on my phone to serve as a more constant reminder. Then, unable to shake the feeling of how cool it would look on merch, it became a merch design! 😍 Oh how I love being in the creative flow.

You can grab this design, which supports my creative freedom, embroidered on a t-shirt, hat, or hoodie here.

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There’s more I could share, but this entry feels complete for now. I’ll leave it here and let everything else keep storming for next time.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you have a beautiful week ahead.

Holiday vibes are in full swing here in NYC ❤︎

Sincerely,
George Poulos